The Scolai

“Just a Good Guy…With a Few Bad Habits”

Love your Kids?

with 5 comments

Maddox is the author of the “Alphabet of Manliness” and the website “The Best Page in the Universe.” This is one funny guy. The piece below is part of his post: “Love your kids? Prove it by beating them.” Anyone my age and older caught a few of these on a regular basis growing up, and you know what? It was a GOOD thing. My Dad was proficient in all the procedures outlined below; My Mother was Babe Ruth with her yard stick. We turned out polite and well adjusted. We know how to wear a baseball cap and don’t walk around with our underwear hanging out of our pants. We respect our elders and don’t think the world owes us a thing. As a Father, I’m not talking about hitting your daughters, girls should never think its okay for a man to hit them… so leave that to your wife. Boys, on the other hand, are basically animals and regularly need to be beaten like government mules. I’m not talking about child abuse, if you are abusing your children you’re  wrong. What I am saying is that a little physical intimidation (especially with boys) as a child; goes a long way towards making a productive, stable, well adjusted adult. Show love to your kids, smack ‘em today.

Scolai

To help you, the negligent parent, I’ve put together a guide to smacking your kids for your convenience (hint: you may want to even print this guide up and hang it on your fridge as a reminder to both you and your kids). Here are some useful techniques:
beatkid2a.jpg  Five across the eyes. This is a very basic maneuver and usually enough to cover most situations when your child is out of line. Simply put four fingers tightly together and either leave the thumb off to the side or fold it behind the other four fingers. Then smack your kid across the face with the back of your hand. Now this is the tricky part: make sure to snap your wrist just before contact otherwise you won’t get a stinging effect. Very important because you don’t want to risk letting your kid think you’re a pussy.

  The sucker punch. Just ask the question “hey, what’s that on your shirt?” and when they look down, bust their lip. You need to do this every now and then to keep them guessing. Don’t ever let them off the hook. Just because they’re not doing anything wrong doesn’t mean that they didn’t do something wrong earlier that you weren’t aware of.

  The yard stick. Or for those of you who don’t use the arbitrary American system, this is also known as “the meter stick.” This is a good general purpose beating because the stick usually doesn’t last beyond three or four good whacks–usually enough to send the message.

  The one-two shut-the-hell-up. This is priceless when you’re shopping and your kid won’t shut the hell up: “I’m hungry, I want toys, I need my Insulin…” etc. First smack your kid (the 5 across the eyes technique works). Wait a few seconds for your kid to start crying, then smack your kid again to let him know that you mean business. This usually shuts them up because they see that the amount of crying is proportional to the amount of beatings.

  The 2 x 4 / PVC pipe. If you do your job as a parent, this should never have to be administered. This is for heavy duty jobs only (ie. any time your kid comes home and begins a sentence with “she might be pregnant…” or “I can _____ if I want to…” where the blank can be any of the following: smoke, have sex, experiment with drugs, watch Oprah, etc). Usually the threat of this beating is enough to keep your kid from screwing up.

  The Dragon Kick. If you’re interested in a permanent solution to your child giving you lip about washing the dishes, cleaning his or her room or filing your tax return, then the Dragon kick might be the technique for you. I guarantee that you will only have to ask once after the Dragon kick has been administered.

  The skull thump. A quick blow usually dealt to the side or back of the head. Simply flick them in the head with your finger. An alternative is to smack your child up side the head with your palm. Very useful for teaching your child to read when he or she makes a mistake. Hitting your child when he or she is learning builds confidence, or undermines confidence–I can’t remember which.

  The one-handed chauffeur reach around. A quick reach around while you’re driving to smack your kid and his friends too if they disrespect. Swerve the car back and forth for the full effect.

  The cane intercept. If you’re too old to chase your kid around the house, use the handle of your cane to trip him if he tries to get away. When he gets up, poke him in the head a few times to let him know who’s boss.

There you have it. Use these basic techniques to discipline your child if you want him or her to turn out to be a success story like me. Here’s how to tell if you’ve fulfilled your obligations as a parent:

  beatkid4.jpg

Remember: never take shit from your kids. You make payments on the house, utilities, their clothes, school, and their food. You own them. If they don’t like it, they can move out. If you love your kids, love them enough to beat them so that they don’t grow up to be idiots.

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Written by thescolai

February 27, 2007 at 12:23 am

5 Responses

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  1. Wow – My mom was the master of The one-handed chauffeur reach around. My brother and I would wrestle eachother to be the one directly behind her, so that she couldnt properly reach us. Funny! It worked on us!

    Lisa

    March 14, 2007 at 11:36 am

  2. I just got one thing to say

    Remember: Never take shit from guys who don’t know a thing about what the fuck they are talking about. Your a cunt, A loner, who is so fucking weak he has to beat on those smaller than him. Get a life. Oh and before I go, I would love to see things from your point of view, But I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

    Penguin

    May 12, 2007 at 3:30 am

  3. I totally agree with the guy above me.. your all fucking loosers who have to take out their anger on younger people to feel better about themselves. and wtf is up with the picture? “if your child doesn’t look like this when they get home, you have failed as a parent” are parents wanting to intimidate their children.. you guys are all fucked in the head. go get some counseling.
    have a great life.

    carl

    May 12, 2007 at 3:38 am

  4. I totally agree with the guy above me.. your all fucking loosers who have to take out their anger on younger people to feel better about themselves. and wtf is up with the picture? “if your child doesn’t look like this when they get home, you have failed as a parent” are parents wanting to intimidate their children.. you guys are all fucked in the head. go get some counseling.
    have a great life.
    mmmm..

    carl

    May 12, 2007 at 3:38 am

  5. To Penguin and Carl,
    First, I didn’t write that piece I just posted it. Second, if you bothered to read anything else, I stated that anyone with a sense of humor would see it for the parody it is.

    Your humorless replies reveal that you are two thin skinned, screeching, liberal gooch monkeys who really need to get laid instead of staying up late writing sniveling replies to posts you obviously don’t understand.

    Have fun holding hands and skipping off to the next “Hillary” rally, but don’t waste my time with any more of your dull whining.

    Scolai

    thescolai

    May 13, 2007 at 7:20 am


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