The Scolai

“Just a Good Guy…With a Few Bad Habits”

The Bears of South Beach

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A while back, my wife and I decided to leave our troubles (read: 1 teenage and two pre-teen daughters) behind for a few days and spend some quality time in South Florida. Many years ago, I lived in Pompano Beach and nearly every year we spend at least a week there. I love to sit at the pier and have a couple Buds with my Clam Chowder and Conch Fritters. Although quite a bit has changed in recent years, Pompano Beach remains a blue collar town and I feel as at home there as anywhere I’ve ever been. 

For some reason, probably an undiagnosed brain hemorrhage, we decided to go to South Beach. From the under appointed, over priced hotel rooms, to the $9 beers and $171 lunches, comparing South Beach to Pompano Beach is like comparing Paris Hilton to Diane Lane. The latter has substance, value and depth. The former… well, the silk hat on a pig analogy can be taken literally.  

I like to think that I’ve have been around the block a good deal more often than the average man. I have traveled widely and witnessed things that many people only read about in strange but true stories. Weird things seem to happen to me and around me on fairly regular basis, but nothing I have seen or done prepared me to meet The Bears of South Beach.  

On the morning of our second day in town, my wife and had one of our typical miscommunications that led to no communication. Seeking to salvage the rest of that day and the one that followed, I made a lunch reservation at a beachfront restaurant recommended to me by a couple staying at our hotel. It was two blocks away and we decided to walk to take advantage of the beautiful weather. After two and a half hours, and a number of Mojitos, we left for our hotel via the beach route. For those of you who have never been to South Beach, the beaches are definitely topless. And not in the usual “put it back on” sense either. 

Anyway, as we walked along enjoying the scenery, I noticed what appeared to be a struggle in the distance. At first in seemed that there was fight going on. Moving closer, I realized it was two people sharing a romantic moment. When we got to the point where I could actually discern what I was seeing, I realized I was looking at a first for me. A very large, very hairy, obviously very aroused, white man in a banana hammock was caressing and deeply kissing a very large, very hairy, obviously very aroused black man in a banana hammock. It was like walking past Teeple Lake in Highland, minus the cut off flannels and mosquitoes. On top of that, the hairy young lovers greatly resembled two of my co-workers (who shall both remain nameless). After spending $171.00 on lunch, I was determined to keep it down. That type of lovin’ just doesn’t register with me! Luckily, we were able to execute an immediate left and head directly to our hotel.  

Being the curious person I am, I had to get a better understanding of the act just witnessed. The bell hops at our hotel had been happy to answer all my questions to that point, and, quite frankly, seemed likely to have had first hand experience with this type of amour fou. I walked over to a particularly eager young man named Ronaldo and asked him to explain what I saw. Our conversation went like this: 

Scolai: Ronaldo! What’s up with the hairy guys makin’ out on the beach?

Ronaldo: The big men in thongs?

Scolai: That’d be the ones.

Ronaldo: One black, one white?

Scolai: Yeah, the ones rolling around in the sand. The ones that are just a little too happy to see each other.

Ronaldo: Oh, they are Bears.

Scolai: Bears??

Ronaldo: Yes. In my community we call them Bears.

Scolai: Your community? Miami?

Ronaldo: No. The Gay Community.

Scolai: Oh….. No offense pal, but I could have lived the rest of my life without that information. 

So now I’ve seen Bears in the woods of the U.P. and Bears on the Beach. Personally, I’ll take the ones in the woods. 



Written by thescolai

February 4, 2007 at 6:45 pm

Posted in Blogroll, Life, Personal

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