The Scolai

“Just a Good Guy…With a Few Bad Habits”

Drinking Like A Man

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Have you seen the commercial where the moron has trouble putting an ice cube into a glass, so he pours a shot of Bailey’s into an ice bucket? First question: why can’t this idiot drop an ice cube into a glass? Second question: What in the name of W.C. Fields is this dope doing drinking Bailey’s?

Men have an extremely limited menu when it comes to acceptable libation, what follows is the short list most men without manicures have already memorized:  

Liquor: Whiskey, Vodka, or Tequila.

Whether “Neat”, “On the Rocks”, or “Straight from the Bottle”, a man drinks straight liquor, STRAIGHT! Just for fun, next time you’re at your favorite bar, ask the enthusiastic, beautiful young lady taking your order, for a “Double Crown Royal, Neat.” With most barmaids I have known, beauty tends to have an inverse relationship to IQ. The look you’ll get in response to your request will probably resemble a sweater wearing Cocker Spaniel staring at a stop watch. It’s like watching “Dumbfounded” in real time. Men don’t drink Gin, Amaretto, Schnapps, Baileys, or any type of flavored liqueur. A man most assuredly would never foul his palate with something as obscene as “Strawberry Vodka.” Men would drink Absinthe, but only in its pre 1915, psychoactive form.  

Beer: Guinness, PBR, or Budweiser. 

Men never drink light beer. Light beer was invented by controlling women in Highland, Michigan as a means of further emasculating their spineless husbands.In fact, men rarely drink beer they can see through; hence the popularity of Guinness, and German Hefeweizen. PBR and Budweiser are beers for American men, only because they are the best we can make.

Is it really that simple? Yes it is.

(Now, before some clown comments or e-mails me about my Papa Doble recipe, let me state, in my defense: While this may seem a bit contradictory, it isn’t. From time to time a man must seem to be exploring his “softer side” in order to get the right kind of attention from his wife or girlfriend. If you must do this, taking a page from Papa Hemingway is a man’s way of doing it.)



Written by thescolai

January 12, 2007 at 4:04 am

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